A year ago I wrote a blog post on loneliness at uni during my first year (link to read here). I didn't really gel with my flatmates and didn't make any instant connections with anyone, leading me to often end up sat alone in my room, watching other people on social media have a whole lot of a better time than me. I thought a year on, I would reflect upon this year and see if that loneliness was still there, where sadly it is, but for slightly different reasons this time round.
Safe to say, this year has been a very strange and uncertain one. I feel like I don’t even need to say the C-word, but Covid-19 really has changed a lot of things. Thinking back to the first lockdown, like many of us, I honestly did really struggle. A big wave of anxiety and fear washed over me back in March, from waiting for the daily corona updates to seeing the increasing number of cases day by day really made me nervous. I think the fear of the unknown crept in and it really affected me, where I didn’t leave my house at all for over a month because I felt far too anxious to do anything with any people around me; I saw them as literal walking corona germs. Now I know that sounds silly, and a few people did ask me around that time ‘What do you think is going to happen if you go out? What are you scared of?’. I actually wasn't too sure on my response to that, was I scared of getting corona? Well, I'm not sure. Was it the chances of unknowingly spreading it? I didn't know and I didn't want to find out, so I kept myself to myself pretty much. However, as I started to feel less hung up on every news article and update, slowly but surely, I got back out there. I started small with little daily walks and random Aldi trips, surrounding myself with more people and soon realised not everyone was a massive germ.
To add to all those emotions around that time, I also lost any bit of self-confidence I had. Not going outside obviously meant I wasn’t moving around as much and doing enough exercise, so in turn I put on a fair bit of weight. I could visibly see these changes in my body and it really upset me, where all I could see in the mirror was this big ugly monster. The simple answer to my problem would have been to go outside and exercise, but because I was so upset with my appearance, my motivation for anything was at 0, so I would just lie in bed and cry. So, what useful thing did I do with my time instead? Compare myself to these beautiful girls on social media, obviously fuelling the fire and making myself feel even worse. I also wrote a blog post on the toxicity of social media here, where social media really did become my biggest enemy. This led me to actually deleting Instagram and Snapchat for a month or so, trying to help myself so I couldn’t compare myself to these girls. It did actually really help and something I will most probably do in the future, taking the pressure of it and actually living in the real world for once instead of being so absorbed by a screen. Sadly, another reason for deleting my socials was so I couldn’t see my friends out having fun at places I’d been invited to, but felt too ugly and anxious to go to. The pit in my stomach that was filled with self-deprecation and nerves often won over the voice in my head telling me to go and socialise. I know this could be seen as self-inflicted loneliness and I agree, but because I disliked myself so much, I didn’t want to go out and see people because that meant they would then have to look at me. Ew.
So, with no social media, and feeling a bit too fearful to go and see my friends (within the regulations of course), that loneliness sunk back in and I felt how I felt in first year. During this time I tended to sit up in my room and just stare at the clouds going by, crying to myself and feeling very deflated. Not having social media really showed me how much time I wasted on those apps, but with the additional time I now had, all I did was pick myself apart. It seemed to be a very vicious cycle and I felt very lost.
Like with uni last year, time was of the essence. As time progressed and I had more Aldi trips, and even eventually progressed all the way up to Ikea, I started to feel more like myself and started to socialise again. There was always a voice in the back of my head telling me how ugly I was before I left to go somewhere, but I just tried to silence and ignore it. Fake it till you make it, baby.
So then for a few months, I was doing good, hurray! But then I came back to Nottingham to start my second year and the loneliness once again restored itself, big sigh. It seems like me and Notts don’t have the best relationship. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I’m living by myself at the minute and that was something I really struggled with at the beginning. With uni mainly being online and corona obviously still being a thing, it was once again me and my four walls. Not to mention it getting darker so early now, giving us about 3 seconds of daylight a day, where if it’s gloomy outside, it’s gloomy in my head too. I once again got back into the routine of crying myself to sleep and just staring out my window, but luckily, I didn’t hate myself as much this time round though lol.
My main human interactions of the week are with whoever serves me at Aldi for my weekly food shop, and the two hours I’m in uni on a Tuesday. Fortunately, I’m enjoying my course a lot more this year so I don’t mind filling my days with uni work, although that can become quite tiring. I’m trying to force myself to get out the house more, because I tend to forget to and end up being inside for days (as I’m writing this I haven’t left since Tuesday… it is Sunday oops). Most days I go and realise I haven’t even spoke that day. Obviously living by myself was something I didn’t expect and so it came as a big shock when it became my daily life. I soon learned I had to just accept it instead of crying about it all the time and kept reminding myself how many people live by themselves and are absolutely fine. I want to be one of those people! I’m trying to be my own boss, smashing living by myself and trying to remain positive throughout it. And slowly, I am getting there.
I think this sounds very selfish, but because we’re in another lockdown, I know it's not like first year because not many other people are going out and doing fun things with loads of friends because no one can, so I don’t get as sad anymore when I feel a bit lonely.
I don’t really know what I wanted to get out of this blog post and now I’ve written it, I’m not sure if it’s going to make sense to anyone else, but I'm glad I've got all my emotions and thoughts out onto a page. I think I just want people to see that they’re not alone in feeling this way and that hopefully in a weird way, it’s a bit comforting to see other lonely people. It’s been a really tricky year for all of us and I think we deserve to be a little bit nicer to ourselves at the end of the day. Celebrate those small victories and don’t be so harsh on yourself, let yourself feel all these emotions, because not to sound like a broken record, but this state of life won’t go on forever and time really is of the essence. I’m a lot happier now albeit still a bit lonely, but I think I’ve come to understand my emotions a bit better and know how to deal with them. I know when I can give myself a duvet day and try to chill, but I also know when I have to force myself up and go on a walk.
I’m no expert, but these things really do come with time. You’ve got this.
Comments